Hi friends,
I was just writing an e-mail to the folks who’ve joined the upcoming improv group and thought i’d share this note with you. it’s about how we show up to our spaces 🙂 i wrote the note as much for me as for the (other) participants of the group – in order to ease my own and i know, others’ discomfort with beginning a new group.
where does our discomfort with joining new social groups come from? it comes from the expectation that we will have to show up as something other than ourselves in order to be accepted and loved. and this is not our fault. it continues to shock me how the default norms of most social environments is to encourage conformity, performativity, and deference to the group at the risk of annihilation of the individual self. am i being dramatic? yes. am i lying no? the other night (read: last night) i thought to myself, every time we choose not to “be” ourselves, we kill a little part of ourselves, until nothing is left. but it happens so slowly we don’t even know it is occurring – until we realize we feel trapped.
anyways, it isn’t an individual problem – we are not the ones who randomly chose to avoid being ourselves. we were encouraged to do so by most, if not all, of the institutions and social environments we were raised in. if we have ever felt “dead”, trapped, disconnected, detached, not present, lost, not like ourselves – it is because we were consistently rewarded for doing so. it is in the design of these systems of conditioning and oppression to reward us for not being our queerest, neurodivergent-est, blackest, immigrant-est (y’all i have too many labels, so imma stop now)…
anyways, it’s interesting that the U.S. is touted as individualistic when our entire culture is built around squashing all authentic individuality, including freedom of expression. it’s actually kind of funny because the U.S. culture is more about performing individuality than being one’s authentic self. even in many dance and arts environments i’ve frequented, there is a default tension that exists that encourages us, rewards us, to betray ourselves. okay, i will stop there because i wasn’t planning on getting preachy or teach-y with this note so i’mma just paste my little note for you to enjoy if you so choose. The following is the note I was writing to my improv group folks to set the vibes and alleviate my and our discomfort with beginning our new group:
On Bonnets &
Cursing &
Repping Our Culture &
Being Queer &
Neurodivergent &
Silent When We Feel Like It &
Just-Rolled-Out-Of-Bed & Currently-Conditioning-My-Hair & Making “Mistakes” &
Tripping Over Our Feet &
Not “Getting The Step” &
Not Having The Right Words &
Being Trembly &
Not Really “Being A Dancer” &
Being Loved No Matter What
The title of this note is extra. But you probably get the point already. This is space for us to practice being ourselves and I mean the ourselves without the performance, without having to know anything or be anybody or get the steps right or be interesting, palatable, knowledgeable, or put together. This is space, if we choose, to be our truth-telling, emotional, extra, silly, nervous, clumsy, just-messed-up selves. This is space to practice being our raw selves. And I am so grateful for the space you are giving me to practice being my raw, tripping-over-my-words-and-feet, can’t-do-a-double-pirouette, (okay, can’t do a consistent double pirouette), needs-one-full-hour-to-learn-the-combo self. We are perfect as we are. In this space, we will practice creating a space that aligns to us, where we are celebrated and loved, for our rawest selves – bonnets, clumsiness, nervousness, and “mistakes” included.
– justina kamiel
P.S. the reason why i sign my notes “justina kamiel” and why i continue to use my middle name, which creates constant confusion among people assuming kamiel is one of my last names – is because when i was a child i told myself that when i became a writer i would use the name “justina kamiel”. little justina is proud of me 🙂