my stor(ies) of disconnection

*trigger warning: this is a story centered on my experiences of disconnection and suffering; includes mention of religious trauma. 

My name is Justina. I was born in the United States. My parents were born in The Republic of Panama. Before that, my ancestors were likely from Sierra Leone and some other country with a rich culture I’ll never exactly know. My ancestors were enslaved and taken to Barbados and Jamaica before choosing to move to Panama for a better life. 

I was born a sensitive child to a gifted, loving, and emotionally unexpressive family, that was devoutly fundamentalist Christian and members of an almost-all-white Southern Baptist church. I experienced trauma, terror, and doom at an early age (in the form of a fear of death/hell) and didn’t know it at all.   I remember lying awake at night in the dark terrified of dying and terrified of the hell that my fundamentalist, white Southern Baptist church convinced me was my fate. I was afraid and at the same time I suffered alone – never voicing to my parents that I was afraid and needed reassurance. I prayed incessantly for God to save me.  

My fears were mostly around expressing myself. Overwhelmed by my own emotions, I could not share my fears or express myself fully – in my family, in school and pretty much all of the social groups I was a part of. 

Until I found dance. After I moved to NYC for graduate school at 22, my very cute white boyfriend from college broke up with me. Feeling alone in a new city, new home, and now losing my relationship, I spiraled into a depression. I remember walking outside thinking the world was doomed and we’re all gonna die. So I decided to dream big to encourage my happiness, to choose a dream that I had as a kid – and it was to be a dancer. At 22, I began dancing obsessively and started to feel more connected, more hopeful, more able to express myself. The problem was, I still didn’t feel safe. I was spending probably $10K of my grad school stipend on dance classes per year and, while I felt freer in my dancing, I felt out of place at most of the classes I took. 

At 27, I got into the STREB Extreme Action company and felt exhilarated to be chosen. On a daily basis, I confronted my fears of heights and fear of death, jumping from 20ft platforms and I truly was an action hero. Despite being chosen to be in the company and despite their efforts to include me and understand me, I felt I never fit in. I couldn’t feel comfortable with their extreme levels of self-expression, and it was just uncomfortable for me most of the time. Even with the death-defying stunts, my biggest fear was of the other people around me. My biggest fear was being misunderstood, just as it was in childhood. Key moments from my time in that company include: that time i got voted straightest STREB company member (“wtf, I’m queer!” is what i was thinking, but i was not out at the time), that time company members surprise raided my room on tour in the middle of the night, waking me up in the middle of the night obviously not knowing about my childhood trauma experienced in the dark, and that time I first met the company and literally didn’t say one word the entire day of meeting them. Looking back, I can see how I was exactly like all the other company members and how they made so many efforts to make me feel more comfortable, but I just didn’t have (internally and most importantly, externally) what I needed to feel comfortable – what I required to be safe. And yet, our collective-risk-taking, being included in this superhuman group of queer and neurodivergent and quirky and flamboyant humans owning their self-expression, expressing our strength regardless of gender, forever imbued me with a sense of power – even if I didn’t, at the time, feel a sense of true belonging.

Anyways, after getting let go from that company, I started experiencing a dance space, Kristin Sudeikis’s dance class and company, that was so energetically uplifting. I remember being on stage with the other company dancers and it literally felt like I was swimming in boundless energy. There was no time or space, just energy; it was magical. It made me realize some of what I had been missing in other spaces. 

And then I started studying my body/nervous system and discovered practices of deep connection that my body truly needed to feel safe & started consistently practicing meeting my needs.  I finally understood that I needed a new type of environment in order to feel safe. I realized I needed to leave certain spaces, completely change others, and either find or create new spaces in order to meet my needs. I understood how certain spaces were no good for me and that I needed to create a new one. I began to learn how being in tune with our needs is a clear gateway to creating what we desire. I began to realize that there was never anything wrong with me – but with the environments that were not meeting my needs. I dove further into the discovery of my needs – based on my “neurotype”, based on health conditions, based on numerology, astrology, human design – based on who I am and how I am. And I began to dive deeper into the understanding that there was nothing wrong with me by reading the work of my lineage of artist-activist-spiritual-educator humans (e.g., Audre Lorde, bell hooks, Maya Angelou, Rev. Angel kyodo Williams, etc.) who call us to deconstruct systems of conditioning and oppression in the process of liberation. I learned this process of deconstruction is a central process for me to uncover where my own patterns of disconnecting from myself and others truly came from.

I require spaces of deep connection. I require spaces that actively cultivate a sense of safety, home, family. I require spaces that embrace every part of me that once had me feel like an outsider: my deep-thinking-ness, my mystifiedness, my awe, my intense feelings, my truth-telling, my rebellion, my disruption. I require spaces that tell the truth and allow me to tell the truth about how I have been harmed by and constrained by racism, heterosexism, sexism neurotypicalism, ableism, the list goes on – and enables me to actively create spaces that move beyond the harm created by these systems. I require spaces that center my needs, the needs that I have because of who I am and how I was born.

I am here doing this work because I know that there are others out there who are also on this path of creating their deep connection, their ground, their home, their safety for themselves, as they build spaces that are in line with their needs – in line with who they are. For those of us on this journey, may we find each other and create the spaces we seek. Raw Movement is my offering to myself, to you, to the world, to our descendants – drawn from all that I have learned from my own suffering and disconnection – and from the practices of those who have come before us. May we create our home(s).

to those who see themselves in me

i honor you, mystic child

may you wonder, and wonder free

i honor you, mystic child

may you wander, and wander free

may you ask questions,

that receive no answers

may you see the wisdom in your unknowing

may you see the sagacity in your disbelief

may you see that not knowing is your answer

know nothing, mystic child

ground yourself in your own knowing,

of nothing,

of,

the unknown

If you’re still reading and want to get to know me more, here’s how! 

oh, and a bit more “formal” background about me

My expertise is in racial/social/healing justice, political development and education, program evaluation, and community psychology. For as long as I can remember I have been involving myself in efforts to fight for and with people who are forgotten, harmed, violated, and abused by people and systems in power. My work enables me to support efforts at justice and healing by drawing on my decades’ experience with political education, consultation, and healing work. In my consultation, facilitation, and organizational change work, I draw on my expertise in the psychology of political development and participation. Even before I graduated with an undergraduate degree, I was doing critical consciousness work. As an undergraduate, I collaborated with a local middle school to start a consciousness-raising media program. Within and after graduate school, I have written academically and practically about organizing. For example, I wrote one paper of my dissertation, “A Review and Reconceptualization of the Literature on Interpersonal Communication Strategies That Predict Collective Action”, on political persuasion. A collaborator of mine adapted this paper into a talk on how to improve the process of recruiting new members into a New York City social movement organization (The Zeitgeist Movement NYC). I’ve explored theory, practice, research, and volunteered with organizing and advocacy groups (e.g., The Coalition for Educational Justice) to build my understanding of how to effectively mobilize people. 

 My passion and deep interest in the science of mobilizing people has continued well beyond my graduate studies. For example, I have received training in indigenous, community-oriented frameworks for community outreach and education through Matriarchical Marketing & Business courses with Clarinda Braun.  I have applied my understanding to successful crowdfunding campaigns with my own art and community building efforts (e.g., raising $21K from 400 supporters with a collaborator for a film project) and events (over 100 people attending our Celebration of Black Men in New York City). I have experimented with many of the political education methods I have studied within my own artwork and the community spaces I’ve curated.  

In my work with spaces and space builders, I draw on my extensive experience in healing-centered facilitation, relational coaching, and trauma-informed practice. My Ph.D. in Community/Applied Psychology, BA in Psychology, certification in somatic coaching and trauma-informed practice, and extensive healing-centered facilitation experience have prepared me to excel in this role. Specifically, I have designed online programs teaching over 300 individuals about wellness topics like stress, anxiety, and identity, while creating a space of connection.  I have taught online courses in racial and ethnic identity and intergroup conflict to ~500 individuals. I have led in-person experiential trainings and programs that engage individuals in understanding their own identities, reactions, and behaviors that contribute to or are fueled by racism. I have designed and facilitated in-person social/racial-justice oriented wellness workshops incorporating movement, art, and journaling (both heterogenous and identity-based groups). I have served as the Volunteer Chapter Leader of a New York City social movement organization, facilitating conversations within the organization about conflict. I have consulted with New York City Black and Latino parent organizing groups to examine and collaboratively improve organizing strategy (the ways in which organizers were connecting to and conversing with potential participants). I have designed celebratory spaces (celebrating Black men) of deep connection in New York City attended by over one hundred racially diverse participants. I have facilitated healing dance classes for nonprofit mental health/social service leaders in the Lower East Side of New York City. Finally, and most recently, I have consulted with a Black-led New York City advocacy and organizing nonprofit (in racial/gender justice) to uncover why individuals in their organization did not feel emotionally safe. This is just a sampling of my extensive experience in the realm of healing justice. I have over fifteen years’ experience in facilitation, program evaluation, and curriculum/course development, all within the healing/social/racial justice sphere.

My approach to healing work often centers the practice of connecting to our bodies if safe/possible. My facilitation is not based on existing scripts and political correctness, but rather experimentally opening space for all of our raw sensations to emerge, including those that may spur conflict (all while experimenting with co-creating a safe space). We generally engage in some level of inquiry about how our bodies are responding to/reacting to our experiences. This is because all issues of relating/conflict, violence, and systems of disconnection have to do with our bodies.  I use trauma-informed principles during facilitation to encourage participants’ self-awareness, emotion regulation, and sense of choice and agency. I do this to keep our bodies as safe and connected as possible (and avoid re-traumatization). Significantly, I encourage participants to create space for disagreement, no’s, leaving, disrupting, and approaching conflict – as this is a necessity to create a space of emotional safety. Rather than assuming that I have the power to create a unilaterally safe space, I offer tools for participants to experiment with co-creating a space of safety. Together, we experiment with practices that create a space of deep connection to one’s own body’s needs and raw self-expression – including identifying and speaking up for one’s needs, boundaries, sensations, and feelings. Throughout our process, we debrief about our feelings of connection to our bodies and each other and what may be in the way of developing a space of deep connection, where we can be our rawest selves. Together, as a group, we consider/discuss the role of systems of conditioning and disconnection (capitalism, racism, heterosexism, etc.) and how that may show up in the group (power dynamics, harm, conflict) and our own patterns of connection and disconnection. Variations of this process are needed for different types of relationships, tensions, and conflicts. Sometimes more observation my end and less facilitation is necessary – or separate groups are needed to provide safety or anonymity in expressing grievances. Finally, in my healing work, I serve as a participant-facilitator, meaning that I share and model being my raw self, sharing my own bodily sensations and arising thoughts/feelings/sensations/needs/boundaries, including those that may generate conflict or disagreement. 

 In terms of healing-oriented sessions, an individual healing session might involve: grounding in the current collective context and what/who has come before us; grounding in our individual body sensations, thoughts, and feelings; resetting our nervous systems or energetic systems through collectively / individually moving energy in our bodies; vocal and body-based processing of raw feelings/emotions through games/activities; mothering, validating, and affirming our experiences; grounding in our legacy/what we are creating; and debriefing (about our level of connection/disconnection to our own bodies/each other, whether we voiced raw needs, feelings, sensations, boundaries, no’s, disagreements, and the role of systems of conditioning and disconnection in our experiences of connection and disconnection). Sessions can involve nervous system education in order for participants to be able to feel/sense their bodies’ sensations, needs, boundaries, feelings, and thoughts – and education on how to move energy in their bodies so that they are prepared to connect to their bodies/others. To read more about my approach, visit: https://rawmovement.org/framework/ & www.rawmovement.org/conversations.  

Please see my LinkedIn for more information on some of my varied experiences. What I contribute in my work with spaces is beyond words, but I will try to describe where I am gifted in themost divine and intuitive sense. I can lead critical inquiry on what is needed to create powerful, liberatory programming and experiences.  I can contribute a nuanced understanding of group psychology and what is at play in social settings or interpersonal interaction that limit or encourage the group moving forward toward its goals. I can assist in leading processes to experiment with aligning us to internally be in integrity with our commitment to “justice”, “equity”, “nonviolence”, etc. I can lead group processes to experiment with uncovering what is in the way of developing a space of safety, trust, deep connection (power dynamics, harm, conflict, etc.) where individuals’ needs are met. My wheelhouse of gifts and skills involves creating spaces of emotional safety and nurturing – or understanding what within a given space (whether at the local/micro or zoomed-out/macro-levels) is getting in the way of such a safe space. Visit me on LinkedIn.